Prologue: Writing a complaint letter is something that everyone has done one time in their life. I believe that it is a powerful tool that give you the power to feel that you are not being neglected. With the influence that computers have taken over our life, it is hard to feel that anyone is ever listening to your problems. So this is a story about a woman who complains about everything, and the consequences the proceeds.
Act one:
Women, in her thirties, sitting at a desk towards stage left. Typing at rapid speed.
Rosie: (Holding a pair of pants, while pacing.) Macy’s has done it once again, my one pant leg is faded more than the other! I only washed it once, this is ridiculous. (Sits down at computer)
(Reads out loud while typing) To whom it may concern,
I am deeply dissatisfied with the pants that I have just purchased a week ago. I have only washed them once, and one pant leg is more faded than the other! I don’t understand how this can happen, when I only washed these once! Is it so much to ask for a pair of pants with equal amounts of fading, is it?
Sincerely,
Disgruntled customer
(Rose stands up aggravated, lights out.)
With lights approaching stage right, a man is sitting at work, at his desk. When a postage man comes in.
Jack: Hello Tony, any good mail come in today?
Tony: Well the usual, and a special reoccurring letter from our friend disgruntled customer.
Jack: Seriously, doesn’t this woman have anything better to do than write letters to Macy’s? Wanna sit down and listen?
Tony: (Handing Jack the mail) Not today, but let me know tomorrow. I have to run, people get so cranky if their mail is one minute late.
Jack: Alright then, See you tomorrow.
Tony walks away. Jack rips open the letter, and begins to read it to himself.
Jack: (Throws the letter on his desk) Seriously, this woman has to be on something. This is twice a week I get these letters. Well I guess I have to respond.
(Reading out loud while typing) Dear Disgruntled Customer,
I am sorry that you are experiencing a problem with the pants you purchased. At Macy’s quality control is of the upmost control, we will give you a refund for your pants with one faded leg with a receipt. If you have misplaced your receipt we will give a store credit. I hope you continue choosing Macy’s for all your department store.
Have a good day,
Jack Henderson
Jack: I really hope this is the last one, I am running out of things to say to this woman.
Lights turn off.
Act two
Two women are at Macy’s looking around the furniture department.
Rosie: Emma, we really need to shop more often, I feel like I never see you anymore!
Emma: I agree, and what a great day to shop with all these deals!
Rosie: I agree, but I would be much happier if the store was a little warmer, it is simply frigid in here.
Emma: I think it’s fine, no need to write anymore complaint letters Rosie, I swear they will not let you in the store anymore.
Rosie: Don’t be silly, I just give simple suggestions, and insist that I get what I paid for. Is that so much to ask for?
Emma: Well just try to not knit pick to much, you will never be satisfied.
Rosie: Oh I’ll try.
Lights turn out. Rosie is back at her desk, typing furiously.
Mr. Henderson,
I went into Macy’s today to shop for furniture, and was absolutely frigid. I even have the flu as a result from your store being set to an ungodly temperature. Is it so much to ask to not freeze to death while shopping. I hope that this problem gets fixed immediately, I hate to think of other poor souls in the same position that I am in.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled Customer
Lights go out.
Lights face stage right, Jack is sitting at his desk, and Tony walks in stage right.
Jack: Hey Tony, How’s it going
Tony: Just another day being chased by dogs, seduced by soccer moms, and being a hero to all children. How about you?
Jack: Really, all that for being a letter carrier. As long as you find it fulfilling. Any good mail today?
Tony: Just the usuals, and another one from disgruntled customer. I really want to stay and listen this time!
Jack: Oh god, I wish there was a way I could ban her from all stores, she is more of a bother than it is worth. Okau well lets get this over with...
(John reading the letter out loud to Tony)
Mr. Henderson,
I went into Macy’s today to shop for furniture, and was absolutely frigid. I even have the flu as a result from your store being set to an ungodly temperature. Is it so much to ask to not freeze to death while shopping. I hope that this problem gets fixed immediately, I hate to think of other poor souls in the same position that I am in.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled Customer
Tony: Wow this woman really has a stick stuck where the sun don’t shine.
Jack: Tell me about it, I have been writing back and forth to this woman for weeks now. Nothing I can do can make her happy.
Tony: Well did you ever ask her, what can I do to make you happy?
Jack: Honestly, I am scared of the answer. What if she is crazy, and tries to seduce me or something.
Tony: Oh Jack, you think way to highly of yourself. Well I am off, I have a few more letters to drop off. Good luck with this one.
Tony leaves stage right.
Jack: Well here goes nothing.
(Reading out loud.) Disgruntled Customer,
I am truly sorry that the temperature in our store caused you such troubles. I have already spoken with the maintenance department to make sure it will be fixed right away. I have noticed a trend of two letters a week being sent by you. Is there anything I can do to make your experience with Macy’s better. We will do everything within reason to make your shopping days more pleasant. Please let me know,
Jack Henderson.
Light goes down on Jack, and Lights up towards Rosie.
Rosie: (Typing and reading out loud)
Mr. Henderson,
I just would like to have the quality of service that I expect. No more, no less. If Macy’s is unable to give me such, than I will find a different department store to shop in.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled Customer.
Lights cut out
Act Three
Jack and Rosie are both sitting in their desks, with the Macy’s sign hanging on top of the stage. They both get up and go towards the water cooler.
Jack: Hello Rosie, how is your day?
Rosie: Well, I just designed a new set of plates, any more of those crazy letters?
Jack: Just one, but hopefully it will end here.
Rosie: We’ll see. (Smiles at the audience.)
End scene.
